It took about 14 years and a lot of failed attempts to get to this point. Throughout this time, I channeled all my energy to write and direct projects about other people, other topics that involved heavy research, in some aspects, or pure ignorance. Some of my efforts were attempts to shock, others were trying to get close to some semblance of revealing a little more about myself. These attempts failed, and only one involving the most research saw some recognition.

With my upcoming short film, “Let Me Rest,” I’m putting myself out there. Even though it isn’t completely biographical, it still represents thoughts I’ve had, hard conversations that were actually exchanged, and moments of loneliness and anger felt after losing my mother to cancer in 2020. The film represents a “what if” scenario through the main character of Lynn.

She’s a composite of me, my siblings, and others who may have grown up in similar circumstances with a parent who might have been less attentive during their formative years, but present in their adult life, or vice versa. Though it’s important to stress that this film isn’t meant to portray these parents in a negative light.

*Behind-the-camera on “Let Me Rest.” Lynn with her mother.*

The main goal of the film was to present both sides and better understand why these types of relationships are formed, carried out, and ultimately reflected upon as being neither good or bad, but as a result of the parent and their child’s environment. Ultimately, it’s up to both sides to figure out what to do next after gaining some clarity.

Without spoiling the “how” or “why,” Lynn’s journey through the film is to confront her anger, recognize why she’s feeling a certain way about her mother and her passing, and understand that even though her mother’s gone, she still has to push forward in a way that honors what her mother wanted and her own needs, as well.

It took nearly 10 months to finish the 12-page script for a short film that’s 20 minutes long. As I mentioned earlier, a lot of what I had made previously was from external experiences and research. I was afraid to go in and essentially throw myself onto the page. I hid behind genre, clichés, and inspirational imagery that dominated the first few drafts of the script. The first draft had elements of the supernatural in a sort of horror-genre-based setting. The thinking was, “the horror imagery is meant to strongly evoke Lynn’s mindset at the time.” No. It was just me hiding behind genre to avoid getting to the essence of the story, which I still didn’t have completely formed at the time.

*A still image from the film, subtly maintaining a slight thriller element for fun.*

“Let Me Rest,” originally titled “Lamplight Poetry,” was about a failed writer grieving the loss of her mother, also a failed writer, and finding a way to overcome why she stopped writing and to pick up a pen again. I drew inspiration from other coming-of-age adult films without committing to what the story was actually about. For most of those 10 months, each draft of the script was more about chipping away at my anxiety and mindset. I dropped the “writer” angle. I stopped worrying about trying to be like the films I was inspired by. Instead, the script was about figuring out why my mother was so keen on spending more time with me as an adult, despite the fact that it was more difficult to do. I focused more on juggling a full-time job, working through romantic relationships, and making sure I was able to feed myself and pay bills.

It wasn’t until about two months before we were set to start shooting that I realized what “Let Me Rest” was actually about… Missed opportunities, complicated childhoods, recognition, a parent’s admiration for how far their child had succeeded, despite all those complications, that child’s understanding of why things happened the way they did, and an appreciation for what their parent was trying to do for them. Gone are the tropes about who these characters were trying to be career-wise, and instead a focus on the little details that formed who they are as people.

This realization on my part meant another draft of the script that wiped away many aspects of the previous drafts. It allowed me to focus on including actual things that were said between me and my mother, the complicated thoughts we both had, and the things she’d probably say if she were still alive and able to help me write the future. It finally became a therapeutic experience instead of a cliché.

*Watching playback with the lead actor of “Let Me Rest.”*

This doesn’t mean I won’t continue making films about topics I haven’t experienced directly. I think it’s important for artists to learn and grow in responsible ways. But it has given me the confidence to include parts of myself into those films in subtle or overt ways that may help boost the realism of whatever story I’m trying to tell going forward. For so many years, I’ve been afraid to do this for fear of being judged. But art is about judgement. It’s about letting people experience something they may identify with or criticize. It’s about being free to express yourself until there’s nothing left except that final rest.

Why I Finally Decided to Write What I Know

Write What You Know